An article appeared in the Los Angeles Times of 04-14-21, entitled “How American Parents Have Been Doing It All Wrong” by Robin Abcarian.

 

It made me think about the pitfalls of parenting. Ms. Abcarian outlined many thoughts that are very relevant to these COVID-19 times. It forced me to ponder those parental activities that are detrimental to effective parenting.

 

The pitfalls that are easy to fall victim to are listed below:

1. Do not yell at your child.

   The recipient of a shouting tirade merely turns you off. Therefore, you do not communicate. You simply harass without effect. How do you prevent such attacks? Do not react immediately. Send the child for a timeout and gather your emotions. That way you will be better able to maintain your composure and communicate with your child. This timeout does not have to be any longer than the length of time needed for you to gain control of your emotions.

 

2. Never argue with your child.

   Clearly state in detail what the infraction was. State how you will not tolerate it. Then end it without an argument. It is guaranteed that if you argue with your child, you will lose.

 

3. Do not apologize for enforcing a family rule.

   It is your job as a parent to be sure that these guidelines are followed in order to maintain smooth family function. Remember, WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE? It is not the child but the parent.

 

4. You want your child to possess good self-esteem.

   Remember, self-esteem is not given to the child by the parents. It is earned by the child’s real accomplishments. False praise and rewards do not raise the child’s self-esteem. The offspring knows when praise is phony and undeserved. And it is belittling to him. When praise and honor is truly deserved, give it. Do not foster undeserved awards.

 

5. The author reviewed other cultures and found that they do not flood their children with tons of toys.

   The children were happier than those in our culture who have every toy, phone or game on the market. If they want extra things let them earn those things by doing extra work around the house. Let them understand when they get older and out in the world, there is no “free lunch”.

 

6. One thing that was pointed out, many other cultures scare their children by telling them the monster will get them and hurt them if they do something bad.

   This obviously should not be part of one’s parenting ploys. Fabricating evil spirits, boogie men or monsters to control a child will be detrimental to his psychological development.

 

7. One very important thing is that your child is depending on you.

   You must provide the environment that will allow him to develop into an adult that has good self-image, is law abiding and can form satisfying relationships with other people.

 

8. Probably the most important thing we do as parents is FOLLOW THROUGH.

   If you do not give the child closure on a disciplinary event the offspring holds the proverbial “bag”. And this bag is not filled with candy in the eyes of the child. Making a rule and not enforcing it weakens your parental stature. It tells your son or daughter that rules are just suggestions and not enforced. This attitude leads many a teen into trouble with unyielding authorities of the real world.

No one said that parenting is easy. But if done well it is the most rewarding pursuit a person can do. Always remember, WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?

 

I want to thank Ms. Abcarian for her insightful article. It prompted me to jot down my own thoughts on parenting which I have gathered over 50 years of practicing pediatrics and raising 13 children. Have my wife and I fallen into the pitfalls? Absolutely, many times. But over the years we learned to avoid them. Despite running a tight ship our 13 kids still enjoy gathering as a family, when we can in these Covid 19 times.